Matter, 1x01 'Pilot' - Act 1

ACT ONE


INT. HERBAL REMEDY SHOP - DAY

Iris, Emily, and the customer all stare at the so-called XANDER SLUGGO who has appeared in their midst.

Iris
You're who?

Xander
(uncomfortably)
Sluggo.  Xander Sluggo.  As in,
Sluggo's Alchem—

Iris
(quickly interrupting)
Look, sir, I think you might be
confusing this shop with someone
else's.

Xander
My name's on the shop front.

Iris SLAMS her fist down on the counter.

Iris
(angrily)
It's not your shop!

The customer makes a hasty retreat through the shop door.  Iris closes her eyes as if to calm herself down, then looks at Xander again.

Iris
(caustically)
How about we finish this
conversation somewhere a little
more private, Mr. Sluggo?

Xander
(slyly)
I like the sounds of that—

Iris guides Xander down the hallway to her office, a sharklike smile plastered over her features.

Emily
Iris, uh...

Iris
(with forced cheer)
Back in a minute!

INT. IRIS'S OFFICE - DAY

Iris shuts the door behind her and takes a seat behind her desk.  Xander smiles softly as he gazes around the room with an air of distant familiarity, as if it were a place he had visited months ago and almost forgotten about.

Xander
You know, Iris, it's the strangest
thing; the blow to my head seems
to have left me a tad bit amnesic,
but I keep getting an odd feeling
like it's everyone else who's
forgotten me—

Iris gestures to the chair in front of her desk.

Iris
Please take a seat.

Xander seems surprised at the offer, and does so.  His jauntiness evaporates at the intensity of Iris's business face, and his smile turns nervous.  He shifts in the wooden chair uncomfortably.

Iris
Listen.  I get it.  It's funny.
Mr. Sluggo doesn't make public
appearances, so since he's away
on business, you thought it
would be amusing to make
everyone think that you're him.
I understand.  Clever enough.
But you didn't do your research.
If you had, you'd have known you
couldn't fool me.  I'm Iris
McKellan.  I'm his personal
assistant — I'm the only person
in the world who knows where to
find him.  The real him.  (more
seriously) And no matter how clever
your little masquerade is, I do
not appreciate you scaring off the
muggles with all the talk of evil
labs and alchemy.

Xander
But that's what we do.

Iris
No, that's what Mr. Sluggo does.
And the real Mr. Sluggo would know
not to talk about it in front of the
normal customers.  Anyway, I thought
I asked you to knock it off.  I've
never seen you before in my life
and I don't have time for this.  So
why don't you make both our lives
easier and either tell me what you
want, or kindly take your terribly
amusing satirical charade elsewhere.

Xander
What I want? (slightly hurt) I don't
want anything!  You really don't
recognize me, do you?

Iris
(wearily)
I really don't.

Xander stands, looking confused and somewhat ill.

Xander
Well, I don't know what's going on
here, but someone's sure made a mess
of—

He sways unsteadily, and CRASHES against the bookcase.  Iris jumps to her feet in alarm.

Xander
I, uh—

Iris rushes over and catches him before his knees can give out.  Her small frame almost collapses under his weight as he slumps against her.

Iris
(gasping)
Okay, okay, easy.

Xander
This is so much less dignified
then I'd like to be right now.

Iris steers him back to the chair, where he falls limply.

Xander
(weakly)
I'm sorry, that's never happened
before — I'm usually an excellent
dancer — you already know that, why
am I explaining it to—

Iris
Shut up and let me figure out what's
wrong with you.  I'm a Fixer.

Xander
(mumbling)
Oh yeah, I forgot.

Iris checks his pulse, and raises her eyebrows.  She leans in and presses her ear briefly against his chest.  Xander giggles vaguely.  Iris ignores him and walks over to one of the shelves, from which she grabs a few BOTTLES.

Iris
Your pulse is way too low.  And
I don't like the sound of your—

She pauses in mid-sentence, staring at the man's chest.  One of the buttons on his coat has come undone, and a piece of the permanent marker sigil on his chest is now visible.  Iris DROPS the bottles on her desk.

Iris
I need to see your chest.

Xander
(grinning)
I thought you'd never ask.

Iris snaps open the next couple of buttons on his coat and pulls it to the side.

Xander
Oy!

Iris is dumbfounded to see the sigil.

Iris
What — did you do this?

Xander
Do what?

Iris
This sigil.  The mark on your
chest.  Did you draw it?

Xander slowly cranes his neck to see it.

Xander
I was wondering about that.  I
thought it might be a new tattoo
or something.  They say the best
ones are the ones you don't
remember getting—

Iris
This isn't a tattoo, you idiot,
this is an alchemical sigil!  And
a powerful one at that.  I don't
know what it's for, but it's sure
not for daily protection against
gingivitis.  Who put this on you?

Xander
Well, I guess it must have been
that evil blighter.  The one who
had me in his lab.

Iris
Oh for god's sake, you're serious.

Xander
Of course I'm serious!  It was
definitely an alchemy lab.  And
he had all sorts of illicit gizmos
in there, nearly ran into a steam
turbine on my way out—

Iris FREEZES.

Iris
A what?

Xander
A steam turbine.  You know, for
converting thermal energy into
mechanical energy into electricity.
(gestures) Big metal dooie.

He notices that Iris has closed her eyes in exasperation.

Xander
Is the steam turbine a problem?

Iris
I know exactly who did this to you.

Xander
(disappointed)
But I haven't even described him
yet.

Iris
You don't need to.  There's only
one alchemist I know who's stupid
enough to keep a steam turbine in
his lab.

Xander
Who's that?

Iris shakes her head, pouring some of the contents of two bottles into a PAPER CUP from the nearby water cooler.  She finishes by dropping a handful of SALT into the cup, then stirs the mixture with a GLASS ROD.

Iris
Doesn't matter.  I'll deal with
him later.  For now, I'm just a
fixer, and it's my job to fix
whatever it is he did to you.  I'm
not going to mess with that sigil
— I haven't got enough information
to know what that would do to you —
so I'm just going to draw another
one to stabilize it.  Your body
is all but fried from the amount
of energy that's been running
through it.

Xander
(watching her intently)
I am Xander Sluggo, you know.  I
don't know why you don't remember
me, but I promise you, I'll figure
out what's going on and things will
be back to normal before you know
it.

Iris takes a PERMANENT MARKER from her desk and draws a sigil containing ♎ on the outside of the cup.  She rolls her eyes.

Iris
(under her breath)
If only.

Xander
What?

She opens a drawer at her workbench and takes out a CANDLE.  She then pulls a MATCH from an inner coat pocket and lights the candle.

Iris
(more gently)
Listen.  I could try to explain
what happened to you, but in your
current state of mind, you wouldn't
understand.  Please, just believe me
when I say that you aren't Xander
Sluggo.  I know you think you are—

Xander
I don't think I am.  I know I am.

Iris
No, you don't.

She draws the same sigil on a SMALL SCRAP OF PAPER, then burns it over the candle.  Immediately, the liquid in the paper cup begins to change colour.  Xander watches her for a few more seconds.  He then begins to recite:

Xander
Alexander Mercutio Sluggo.  Born
December 31st, 1985.  London, England.
Parents Amphytrion and Pandora.  Both
deceased.  Granted admission to the
Liverpool National Academy of Alchemy
in 2001.  Graduated with honours in
2006—

Iris
All true, but anyone could get this
information off the website—

Xander
—Studied advanced alchemy, organic
chemistry, and fencing under Colonel
Periwinkle in the Himalayas.  Taekwondo
in Seoul, 2007-2008.  Received the Boyle
Prize for my 2008 essay on the chemical
properties of oil of amber. It was a
good essay.  Twist ending.

Iris
Give it a rest!  This is all— (pause)
Did you say taekwondo?

Xander
Yes?

Iris
I didn't—

A look of comprehension dawns on her face and she rushes over to her desk.  She checks her computer and finds the disk drive empty.  Looking slightly panicked, she opens a drawer and yanks out a CD ALBUM, flipping through it as Xander babbles on.  She does not find what she's looking for, and continues to search around the office.

Xander
—Lovely family.  They had a dog
that looked exactly like Albert
Einstein, down to the moustache.
Never did ask about that.  Was
always afraid I wouldn't like the
answer.  Then in 2009 I moved to
Canada at the bequest of John
Timerell, an old friend from
the Academy.  In accordance with
his last wishes, I inherited his
alchemy shop in Montreal.  And
here we are.

Iris
(incredulous)
He stole it!

Xander
Er, what?

Iris
(shakes her head)
It's just — it's not important
right now, alright?  We need to
figure out who you are and get
you fixed up—

Xander
I'm Xander Sluggo!

Iris
No, you're not!

Xander
Of course I am!  I might be a
little blurry right now, but I
remember everything!  My whole
life!  You think I wouldn't know
if these memories were someone
else's?

Iris
These aren't your memories, this is
someone else's research into my
boss's life!

Xander
I am your boss!  I'm Xander Sluggo!

Iris
(angrily)
You can't be Xander Sluggo because
Xander Sluggo doesn't exist!

There is a sudden silence.  "Xander" is stunned.  Iris glares at him, anger still sparking in her eyes.

Iris
There.  You wanted to know what's
going on, and now you know.  Pat
yourself on the back for being the
first person to figure out my
secret.

Xander
What do you mean I don't exist?

Iris
(rubbing her forehead)
Okay.  You've got a whole other
personality floating around in your
head that doesn't belong there, and
I don't know how much it knows about
any of this. So just shut up and
listen and I'll try to explain this
as simply as I can, alright?

Xander nods, confused.  Iris takes a moment to gather herself.

Iris
I'm an alchemist.  I'm a pretty
good alchemist, if you take my
customers' word for it.  But alchemy
is old science.  It's ruled by
tradition.  I couldn't make it on
my own as a female alchemist, so I
invented a boss to draw in customers.
Xander Sluggo is a figment of my
imagination.

Xander
(deadpan)
Like Remington Steele.

Iris
It was a good idea.

A pause.

Xander
You know, I don't believe you're
lying.

Iris
A rational deduction.  Well done.

Xander shakes his head in confusion.

Xander
Then who the hell am I?

Iris
There we go.  That's the question
we need to answer.

Xander
(groaning)
My head hurts.

Iris holds out the paper cup.

Iris
Welcome to my life.  Drink this.

He does so, and makes a grotesque face as the mixture hits his tongue.

Xander
(incoherent noise of disgust)
Why on earth would I think I'm
someone who doesn't exist?

Iris
Because you're delusional.

Xander looks predictably unimpressed with this answer.

Iris
Listen.  There are only two
operating alchemists in Montreal,
and the other one isn't as, let's
say, scrupulous as I am.  If he can
think of a way to get one up on
me, he'll take it.  Alchemically
altering someone's brain to make
them think they're my made-up
boss is a little theatrical, even
for him, but it's still definitely
his style.

Xander
And who was I, that someone this
nefarious would involve me in his
plot?

Iris
My money's on innocent bystander.

Xander
So basically you're saying that
an evil alchemist kidnapped me,
took me to his secret lab, wiped
my mind, and gave me the
personality of an entirely
fictional character, just to
annoy you.

Iris
Basically, yes.

Xander shrugs, then downs the remainder of the mixture in one shot.

Xander
I have no idea why, but this all
makes perfect sense to me.

Iris
I'm not surprised.  I wrote you
that way.

INT. HERBAL REMEDY SHOP - DAY

The shop is currently empty.  Emily is still slouching in her swivel stool, plainly bored, as Iris walks briskly back into the shop, followed by Xander.

Emily
(perking up)
So who is he?

Iris
For now, he's Xander Sluggo.

Emily
Um...

Xander
(to Emily)
When I find out I'll let you know,
kiddo.

Iris
(to Emily)
We're going to have to keep an eye
on this one for a while.  Charlie's
up to his old tricks again, only
looks like this time he's added
kidnapping and memory-altering to
his repertoire.

Xander
Charlie?

Iris
(to Xander)
I told you, I'll deal with him later.
I've been meaning to drop in and have
a word with him for a while now anyway.
First things first — (to Emily) - I
believe you promised the nice lady
that I'd come and deal with her
ghosts.  (to Xander) I hope I can
trust you to stay out of trouble if
I take you along with me, Mr. Sluggo?

Xander
Her ghosts?

Emily
Iris, I think this is a pretty bad
idea.  No, actually, I think this is
a really bad idea.  You're going to
take him along on a case?  With
Shadow?

Iris
I don't have enough information to
safely break the sigil on him, and
I won't get that information until
I talk to Charlie, which won't happen
until he opens up shop tomorrow.
Until then, I don't think it would
be... in our best interests to let
him loose like this.

Emily
(looking at Xander)
You're probably right.

Xander
I'm sorry, did you say her ghosts?

Iris removes the phone number from her coat pocket.

Iris
That's right, her ghosts.  When you
work with one sector of the arcane,
it's pretty much a guarantee that
someone will expect you to be
familiar with all of them.

Xander
I feel like I should have known
that.

Iris
Even Charlie makes mistakes.

She pulls out her CELL PHONE.

Xander
(watching)
So you double as a Ghostbuster
in your spare time, do you, Miss
McKellan?

Iris
Of course not.  It's not my area.

Xander
You're phoning her back, though.

Iris
No I'm not.  I'm phoning in
an expert.  (frowns)  Or at least
I would if there were any experts.

Xander
Then who are you calling?

Iris scrolls down to one of the first contacts on her cell phone: "S Poole."  She selects it and puts the phone to her ear.

Iris
A Ghostbuster.


END OF ACT ONE